(AP) Washington, DC, White House February 13, 2020
Two men contemplate career-ending miscalculations.
An AP Reporter assigned to the press pool in the White House has obtained an internal document indicating new tensions in the West Wing arising from President Trump’s 2020 election campaign.
The disclosure may have been inadvertent. As the President and his entourage left the Oval Office after a briefing, this reporter was waved to the side by Senator Lindsey Graham. The South Carolina Republican then handed a leather padfolio whispering, “Put a sock in it, then have Trump hand it to me. Please!” He then scurried down the hall to rejoin the group around the President with no further explanation.
The padfolio, similar to many provided at Presidential briefings and Cabinet meetings, was not marked with any classifications. Inside was a 20page report titled “Win Bigly Update – Iowa & New Hampshire Review.”
The report indicates a growing realization that efforts to undermine former Senator Joe Biden’s Presidential campaign, by tying him to corruption allegations in Ukraine, may have been fundamentally flawed asserting “…Biden couldn’t win T-Ball with a pinch hitter.”
The report appears to have been commissioned by acting White-House Chief of Staff, and aspiring Baghdad Bob propogandist Mick Mulvaney in the aftermath of Biden’s crushing Tuesday loss in New Hampshire. Detailed charts of Tuesday exit polling documented Biden trailing all other major candidates and struggling to perform well against so-called ‘protest’ candidates including Vermin Supreme, who wears wizard robes with a boot on his head and despite running in every election has yet to win a primary. (ed. correction: Vermin’s Campaign Manager contacted the AP from their AOL account indicating their candidate, “Unlike Biden,” actually won the 2020 Libertarian New Hampshire primary with 59% of the vote. The AP regrets this error.)
The report included a detailed timeline and supporting documentation of the efforts by Trump; his personal attorney Rudolph Giuliani; as well as top diplomats like Ambassador Sondland to tie Joe Biden to Ukrainian corruption charges and use military aid as leverage over Ukrainian President Zelensky to launch an investigation. This would in theory weigh down the presumptive front-runner’s candidacy.
A White House official, speaking anonymously as they had not been cleared to speak to the press, confirmed the veracity of the report. “We got so focused on asking whether we could sink his campaign, we forgot to ask whether we needed too. It’s pretty embarrassing to think all we did against a guy who barely broke 15% in Iowa or and was under 10 points in New Hampshire.”
The report is an internal document to help brief President Trump that he’d been targeting the wrong Democrat this entire time. “Yeah he doesn’t know,” the White House official said speaking of the President. “This isn’t the place where you tell the Emperor he has no hair. No one wants to tell him Biden’s busted. He still thinks it was a ‘perfect call.’”
The report included forensic analysis showing how early forecasts over-estimated Biden’s support among key constituent groups within the Democratic party including: whites, blacks, Latinos, white-collar workers, blue-collar workers, men, women, college educated, GED/high-school degree holders and across all key age demographics from young to the elderly. Indeed, the only group that had consistent support for Biden were media pundits and pollsters.
“We asked for a fake investigation, on a fake corruption scandal, to tarnish what turned out to be a fake candidate,” the official chuckled. “Couldn’t have gotten that one more wrong!”
Asked if the report has led to any changes, the official became more upbeat: “Definitely. We’ve brought in an entirely new analytics package. The latest in social media sentiment tracking and forecasts. Top-notch consulting team and some top-notch surrogates ready to strike. We’re going to identify the top threat to President Trump’s re-election, and we’re going to nail them!”
In other news, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) seemed to be weathering recent allegations that a former official on his campaign had also worked for the now disgraced Burisma holding firm in Ukraine.