(Associated Press) Washington, DC
Transcripts have been released from the phone call between President Obama and President Putin over the Ukraine crisis. The transcripts reveal a classical tension in geopolitical relations known as “PvE vs. PvP.”
President Obama considers an appeal to the National Storyteller.
Obama: Look this intervention isn’t thematically correct or canon for the politics of this game.
Putin: I got dots on my sheet, I’m going to use ’em.
Obama: But we agreed on playing the story-arc concept of ‘reset’, there’d be great characterization, a chance to develop our relationship over several arcs, we could involve lots of other countries in our stories – but it would be collaborative storytelling. I’ve got 55 pages of background on my character that you’re ruining!
Putin: Collabor-what? Look I’ve got a sheet. And it has powers on it. And what good is a sheet if I can’t use the powers on it…why even have a sheet?
Obama: The sheet is just a representation of what you can do in-game.
Putin: So if my sheet says “invade nearby country” – that’s a power I can use in-game right?
Putin: Awesome! Physical challenge – I invade Crimea!
Obama: Dammit – we are in a soft RP scene, you can’t throw challenges!
Obama: Says the UN Addendum v 4.2
Putin: I’m an Affiliate, don’t play by that Addendum.
Obama: BUT YOU’RE A MEMBER OF THE SECURITY COUNCIL!
Putin: Um…sure…but this is…um…troupe play. Those rules don’t apply.
Obama: Wha..? You can’t do that!
Putin: Okay…let’s say I want to play your way. How would we go about doing that?
Obama: See now we’re talking. We’d each represent a political faction, and then we’d compete via intrigue and roleplaying. It would turn into a story. It wouldn’t even have to turn into a combat between us.
Putin: You mean like that scene, last summer…with Syria?
Obama: Yeah!! Like that – we resolved that whole thing, and didn’t throw a single challenge! Wasn’t that better?
Obama: I thought you had fun!
Putin: Honestly, I just showed up for the XP and to turn in my down-time actions. Spent most of the time on my phone reading FB.
Obama: There are non-combat ways to resolve things, you could use Social powers.
Obama: Give it a try…see how it works. Diplomacy is more fun and we don’t get stuck in an ST time box for hours and hours resolving combat.
Putin: Okay! Fine! Jesus…here we go…let’s see. Okay “Social challenge I am Intimidating enough to force a vote on annexation on the Crimea” …do I get bonus traits for occupying them with my army?
Obama: That’s not what I meant!! Why is it always killboxes with you?
Obama: What are you – fourteen years old sitting in your moma’s basement trying to act big?
Putin: No – I just f—ing invaded Crimea! That’s hardcorz.
Obama: Sure – you’ve got unlimited time to play this game from your basement. When you grow up come back and check with me. I’ve got a real life.
Putin: But…but…dots….on my sheet….