02 Mar 2014
HistoricalSatire: Obama-Putin Phone Call Transcripts Reveals PvE vs. PvP Tensions
(Associated Press) Washington, DC
Transcripts have been released from the phone call between President Obama and President Putin over the Ukraine crisis. The transcripts reveal a classical tension in geopolitical relations known as “PvE vs. PvP.”
Obama: Look this intervention isn’t thematically correct or canon for the politics of this game.
Putin: I got dots on my sheet, I’m going to use ’em.
Obama: But we agreed on playing the story-arc concept of ‘reset’, there’d be great characterization, a chance to develop our relationship over several arcs, we could involve lots of other countries in our stories – but it would be collaborative storytelling. I’ve got 55 pages of background on my character that you’re ruining!
Putin: Collabor-what? Look I’ve got a sheet. And it has powers on it. And what good is a sheet if I can’t use the powers on it…why even have a sheet?
Obama: The sheet is just a representation of what you can do in-game.
Putin: So if my sheet says “invade nearby country” – that’s a power I can use in-game right?
Putin: Awesome! Physical challenge – I invade Crimea!
Obama: Dammit – we are in a soft RP scene, you can’t throw challenges!
Putin: Says who?!?
Obama: Says the UN Addendum v 4.2
Putin: I’m an Affiliate, don’t play by that Addendum.
Obama: BUT YOU’RE A MEMBER OF THE SECURITY COUNCIL!
Putin: Um…sure…but this is…um…troupe play. Those rules don’t apply.
Obama: Wha..? You can’t do that!
Putin: Okay…let’s say I want to play your way. How would we go about doing that?
Obama: See now we’re talking. We’d each represent a political faction, and then we’d compete via intrigue and roleplaying. It would turn into a story. It wouldn’t even have to turn into a combat between us.
Putin: You mean like that scene, last summer…with Syria?
Obama: Yeah!! Like that – we resolved that whole thing, and didn’t throw a single challenge! Wasn’t that better?
Obama: I thought you had fun!
Putin: Honestly, I just showed up for the XP and to turn in my down-time actions. Spent most of the time on my phone reading FB.
Obama: There are non-combat ways to resolve things, you could use Social powers.
Putin: Bored now!
Obama: Give it a try…see how it works. Diplomacy is more fun and we don’t get stuck in an ST time box for hours and hours resolving combat.
Putin: Okay! Fine! Jesus…here we go…let’s see. Okay “Social challenge I am Intimidating enough to force a vote on annexation on the Crimea” …do I get bonus traits for occupying them with my army?
Obama: That’s not what I meant!! Why is it always killboxes with you?
Obama: What are you – fourteen years old sitting in your moma’s basement trying to act big?
Putin: No – I just f—ing invaded Crimea! That’s hardcorz.
Obama: Sure – you’ve got unlimited time to play this game from your basement. When you grow up come back and check with me. I’ve got a real life.
Putin: But…but…dots….on my sheet….