This May be Satire: Declining Olympic Security Conditions Prompt Another Nation to Withdraw

Aug 16, 22016 Brazil.  After the recent security issues at the Olympics including muggings, the armed robbery of the US men’s swimming team and police admitting they could not keep visitors safe – another country has withdrawn its athletes from competing and has advised its citizens not to travel to Rio. On Tuesday the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria issued a travel advisory under the authority of the Khalifa to all Salafist Takfiri and Dhimma, announcing that its team would not be competing in the Olympics.

“It’s just not safe,” Qadib Saghir, an ISIS soldier and would be Olympiad in the javelin who spoke to reporters via Skype from Ar-Raqqah, the capital of the so called Caliphate. “I’ve been training hard, impaling people sometimes eight, twelve hours a day. But you put a car bo….let’s say you park a car in Baghdad. It will be good all weekend. You park a car in Rio, you just can’t do that. Five minutes later your car will be stripped to the frame and all the explosives will be missing.”

Asked what he would be doing instead of competing Mr. Saghir was ebullient “They’re sending me to Aleppo! I’ll take that over a favela any day of the week, and twice on Friday! At least in Aleppo the water won’t turn green on you. I mean, might be poisoned with mustard gas, but won’t turn green suddenly. Who knows what’s in there? Looks like a camel pissed in it.”

The unrecognized state had announced previously an Olympic delegation of several dozen athletes. Attempting to show its international reach ISIS announced a slew of “directed” athletes representing countries including Syria, Tunisia, Lebanon, Libya, “Guantanemo”, Nigeria, Afghanistan as well as several “inspired” American athletes who failed to make the cut for the U.S. team and were to join the ISIS team in Rio.

The announcement however comes as no surprise to professional sports observers and CIA analysts who noted the absence of ISIS’s star athlete at earlier events. Standing at 6’3″, and frequently seen wearing combat fatigues, crossed bandoleers festooned with grenades and ammunition, and a huge combat knife Yanam mae Jamal stood out in any crowd. The man known as the Murderer of Mosul, the Reaver of Ramadi, the Hatchet in Hasakah – was expected to compete in rhythmic gymnastics where he dominates in hoop and ribbon. Unedited ISIS propaganda video obtained by US intelligence has given new insights into Mr. Jamal’s rigorous training routine. Between takes of shouting at the camera while brandishing a machete or shooting an AK-47 from the back of a technical, Mr. Jamal gracefully swirls and spins with his signature black ribbon emblazoned with the seal of Muhammed.

Reached by telephone from somewhere inside Mosul besieged by a coalition of Iranian, Iraqi, Peshmerga and US forces Yanam was at first brusque. “I may die here and get 72 virigins, but everyone knows there isn’t a single virgin in Rio. Why take the risk?” Then the mass murderer wanted on crimes of genocide, ethnic cleansing and human trafficking turned reflective. “After speaking with those closest to me, I’ve come to realize that my health, and my family’s health, comes before anything else.” Mr. Jamal said commenting on the risk of infection from the mosquito born virus which dominated coverage just prior to the games. “Zika was the final straw for me. Who wants Zika? I want to have a son soon from at least one of my ISIS provided sex-slave concubines. And if I catch Zika over there, he’s going to be born looking like Assad. Who wants a son that looks like Bashar?”

Many athletes contacted expressed hope in competing in the Tokyo 2020 Olympics. “Assuming there is still a state by then,” said one athlete on condition anonymity considering such blasphemy is punishable by crucifixion within ISIS.

Although numerous attempts to reach the so-called Islamic Caliphate’s Press Secretary were made at the time of printing, Jane Fonda had not returned any calls.