This May be Satire: Playing to Lose

A refreshed, relaxed, and prepared Coach Trump and his campaign team held a pre-game press conference before Sunday’s 2nd Presidential debate offering insights into how they had turned what had been a tightening race into a rout and complete collapse.

“First and foremost, on behalf of the team, I want to thank God for everything we’ve got here, without Him, none of us would be here today.” Trump began, looking to the right and left at his players who all nodded in agreement while some sipped from Aquifina water bottles. “No one’s sugarcoating this. We had a great trailing position in April, right where we wanted to be, down by 10 points. In August, still down by 7pts. But we lost sight of our execution, made some mistakes, and showed some competency. And we kept gaining ground. And you have to give credit to Clinton – they brought their F game. The health thing, the email thing, the foundation thing, the email thing, the #neverhillary thing – some really great plays. Next thing I know I’m looking up at the scoreboard and we’re only down by a point, maybe less, and its mid-September, with two quarters left to go. I knew we had to come together as a team in the last half.”

“Play within ourselves,” offered team captain Bannon soberly as others nodded.

“That’s right, play within ourselves.” Trump agreed. “So we got back to basics. Fundamentals.”

“Blocking and tackling,” added Conway – the campaign manager known for a no-nonsense focus on the basics.

Trump looked to the right and left at his players. “Execution. We knew what we had to do to lose and we went out and did it. We went back to the drawing board and came up with some new plays. Fumbling the ball. Making unforced errors. Taking points off the board. Everyone had a role, and they did it. Total team effort at losing.”

“Like taco trucks on every corner” offered Trump’s Latino outreach manager Guiterrez.

“And ‘you’re living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs…what the hell do you have to lose?” added Omarosa, Trump’s African-American outreach manager.

“If you’re strong you don’t get PTSD” the veteran outreach coordinator chimed in while firing finger pistols.

“Disgusting, filthy, disgraceful,” said Scavino, media outreach.

When it came to the campaign’s Russian outreach coordinator, Carter Page just smiled broadly, took out his cell phone, and whispered in pantomime “Putin-baby, call me!”

“Miss Piggy, sex tape & murder allegations…and of course…the groping tape,” offered Trump’s daughter Ivanka, who has taken the lead on outreach to women voters.

“Great play…fantastic play. MVP works right there. Couldn’t be prouder. May seal the deal in losing us the election,” Trump said while Ivanka was patted on the back by teammates. “And Mike – how is our GOP outreach doing Mike?”

The press turned to the back of the room, opposite the stage, where Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence was curled in a fetal position surrounded by empty beer bottles sobbing quietly and shaking.

“Great guy Pence. Great guy.” Trump said drawing attention back up front. “Look we’ve turned this around. We came out to lose and I think we did. It feels good to put that monkey back on our backs. But we’ve still got to drop it to the next lower level. We’ve got to keep our eye off that ball.”

“We’ve got an extra gear on this car,” Bannon said smugly. “And it is called ‘reverse!'”

“Tomorrow’s a new day” Conway added. “In today’s 24×7 news cycle, you can’t rely on last week’s scandal or mistake. We’ve got to go out there, show no effort, and give 0%, each day, every day. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

“How much are you looking to lose by?” a reporter called out.

“We’re not looking that far ahead” Trump offered. “We don’t think in terms of whether want to be down by 10 pts or 15 pts by October 30th or lose by 500 electoral seats. I mean, we know Clinton has to get to 278 right to win right, so obviously – we’re all professionals here. That’s the goal. But we’re just happy to be here, use our God-given flaws, and lose this thing inch by handing over an inch. We’ve got a tough schedule ahead and we’re focused on that. We have a debate to lose tomorrow night. I’m going to be busy embarrassing myself in tweets every night next week. We can’t take anything for granted. Clinton’s fundamentals are frail. We look too far ahead and she passes out on the debate stage…or she starts coughing and can’t stop…or god forbid, and no one wants this, but I’m just saying god forbid more emails come out she just might find a way to make this thing close again,” he chuckled shaking his head as the team laughed nervously alongside him.

“No one here wants that. We’re not going back to that. We’ve turned this around. We’re going to give it our all and leave our hearts on the field to make sure this doesn’t get close again.”

Asked how he felt about blowing what should’ve been one of the easiest wins against a historically disliked candidate such as Clinton Trump allowed himself a little reflection,

“It’s a childhood dream, you can’t write a better script than this. Who do you think they’ll have to play me in the movies? I don’t care. After this, I’m going to Disneyland!”