25 Mar 2019
Trump Indicts Himself – Declares Victory
Washington DC, AP
President Trump has once again stunned administration officials by reversing a recent major announcement by his own Cabinet appointee. Overruling Attorney General Barr’s Saturday finding on the count of obstruction of justice from the Mueller report; President Trump declared himself indicted early Monday morning.
The abrupt turn-about from the President came via tweet stating: “Totally obstructed justice. Biggest obstruction of all time!!! Histery making!! Justice is the problem with this country. Don’t fall for liberal conspiracy of my exoneration!! #fakenews”
“It’s par for the course” an unnamed senior White House communications aide stated, requesting anonymity as he had not been authorized to speak to the media. “No decision is final until the President weighs in,” he chuckled ruefully, grinding hemlock leaves as a steaming cup of tea sat nearby. “I’m not sure why anyone is surprised.” The aide may have been referring to a incident last week where on Thursday the Department of Treasury announced new sanctions on North Korea, only to have those reversed by Tweet on Friday by the Commander in Chief. Reached for further comment to clarify his remarks the aide could not be reached and was listed by a top WH officer as having “taken ill to spend more time with his family.”
Although the maneuver confused many political observers from both sides of the aisle, others offered the President their unwavering support. “Trump indicting himself! Brilliant stratagem,” according to Steve Bannon, his one-time senior advisor. “It’s 197th level chess, Sun Tzu meets Napolean meets Chuck Norris! He’s going to Round-House Kick a House trial harder than William Belknap in ’76!”
It’s not entirely clear though if the President understands what a federal indictment is however. According to White House Speechwriter Seneca Junger, the President’s understanding of indictments is entirely based on the New York Municipal Courts where he dealt mostly with litigation involving his sprawling real-estate holdings. Reached for comment while shopping for whetstones at a Knife & Cutlery store, Ms. Junger relayed the actions of the President, “He was very excited. Like a little kid gleeful. Took out his favorite checkbook, the hush-money one, and asked ‘How much is this going to cost?’”