Trump Brings in Closer
Washington, DC (AP) With his lead attorney in quarantine and after Saturday’s dismissal of a key lawsuit President Trump brought in a renowned ‘closer’ to shore up his post-loss election campaign.
Summoned to an early Sunday morning press briefing, White House pool reporters appeared skeptical when Mohammed al-Sahaf took the podium wearing his trademark green fatigues and military beret. Last seen on American TV as Minister of Information to Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq just hours before it collapsed, “Baghdad Bob” was flanked by other members of Trump’s so-called “elite strike force.” These included Jenna Ellis, Joseph diGenova, Sidney Powell, and looming six feet behind them, the Grim Reaper of Death, a recent regular attendee at White House events. Death was the only one wearing a mask or practicing social distancing.
The briefing began with questions on the dismissal with prejudice of the Pennsylvania lawsuit in a Federal District Court Saturday night. Such a dismissal means the suit was so without merit or evidence that the filing couldn’t be remedied through amendment and refiled. It represents a historic failure for a federal lawsuit associated with a sitting President.
“Yesterday, we slaughtered them in Pennsylvania!” al-Sahaf replied. “Biden’s legal team is out of the Middle District Courthouse! The lawyers that were there – gone!”
“Is that because they won Baghdad Bob?” inquired a reporter from Reuters.
“First, it’s Mar-a-Lago Bob now. Second, you win some. You lose some,” al-Sahaf replied. “We have filed lawsuits in the north, the south, the east, and the west. We chase them. Wherever they go, our lawsuits encircle them!”
“But isn’t it true that Trump’s legal team has only won a single lawsuit and lost 23?”
“Where I come from, that’s not a bad record,” Mohammed mused. “We’re giving them a real lesson in court. These villains, in particular, that villain Biden, they can win their lawsuits. But they can’t change the electoral vote.”
“Excuse me – isn’t Biden currently winning the electoral vote?” the reporter replied.
“See – we have them right where we want them! Next question!”
A CBS reporter asked whether ‘Bob’ thought incompetent representation was at the heart of the Pennsylvania dismissal. They noted it had been 30 years since Rudy Guiliani represented a client in Federal court. The reporter listed a litany of errors that included forgetting the name of an opposing lawyer, mispronouncing the judge’s name, failure to research relevant precedents, spelling errors, and misunderstanding key terms like opacity and strict scrutiny. “Strict scrutiny is one of the most basic concepts in constitutional law. How do you respond?”
“We’ll welcome their strict scrutiny with bullets and shoes, and I’m all out of bullets,” Mr. Sahaf roared. Then muttered under his breath, “Stupid Maryland ammo laws.” He then menacingly wiggled a croc-clad foot at reporters. “These are tactical! I can draw and throw them faster than al-Zaidi vs. Bush in ’08. Let’s see Biden dodge these babies!”
The next question dealt with the Ramsland affidavit, attached to the Trump Georgia filing and other lawsuits, which claims to document irregularities in Dominion voting software. Ramsland’s affidavit claimed 19 or more precincts in Michigan had more vote casts than voters but did not realize those townships were in Minnesota and not Michigan.
“There is no “I” in MN, but I guess there is in MI!” ‘Bob’ replied, shooting finger-pistols into the air, “But by God I blame Dominion. Those curs used their software to relocate entire towns across state lines! You can go and visit those places! Then you will know how unprecedented this fraud is.”
“As a followup – in the Georgia lawsuit, the Ramsland affidavit is attached too, it alleged improprieties in Mercer County Georgia, except there is no Mercer County in Georgia.”
“And there were no tanks in Baghdad!” al-Sahaf replied again, shooting finger-pistols skyward. “Next question!”
A correspondent from FoxNews asked, “Sydney Powell, you promised yesterday, and I’m quoting here: ‘We’ve got a number of smoking guns and we may have to get witness protection for them. We have a lot of extremely solid evidence. It’s beyond impressive, and absolutely terrifying.’ When do you think we’ll see that evidence?”
al-Sahaf took the answer on behalf of Sydney, “I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that our evidence has more smoking guns than a Confederate reenactment of Gettysburg, and we’ll be just as successful! Witnesses needing protection? We have so many that DHS assigned more agents to us than Portland! Our evidence is a mountain! When we reveal it, it will be bigger than when Geraldo Riveria opened Al Capone’s crypt!” al-Sahaf asserted while fumbling his hands with what appeared to be jammed finger-pistols. “Next question!”
The next reporter asked about the latest White House COVID19 outbreak, which has infected nearly 50 key White House Staff, political leaders, or Trump surrogates “…including Senator Grassley, Senator Loeffler, Rudy & Andrew Giuliani, Governor Rick Scott, Donald Trump Jr., and Secretary Ben Carson. These individuals are getting top-notch health care while the White House coronavirus task force continues to fail to meet, the President skipped the G20 pandemic response planning session to golf, and we have no national plan while cases and deaths are surging heading into Thanksgiving Week. Do you think that’s just?”
“THERE IS NO JUSTICE. JUST US,” Death interrupted in a booming voice.
The room went silent.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE RUDY GIULIANI IS?” Death asked.
“I think he’s quarantined. Why?”
al-Sahaf next called on an ABC Reporter who asked about the Presidential transition, “With Friday’s certification of Georgia, and Monday’s likely certification of Pennsylvania and Michigan, will President Trump allow the Biden Transition team access to the daily Presidential brief and office space?”
“There are no Biden Transition team members in DC, never!” al-Sahaf interrupted.
“Are you blocking their travel?” the reporter asked in shock.
“What? No. DC Metro,” al-Sahaf replied. “Suspended service on the Red, Yellow, and Orange lines – track fires or something. They’re stuck at the Vienna GMU station. You Americans and your public transit. I had fewer delays on the Highway of Death.”
After the press conference, Mr. Saeef allowed several reporters into his green room for a get-to-know background session, which he’d nicknamed “the Green Zone” to remind him of home. Gone was ‘Bob’s bombastic personality and military fatigues, replaced by a sweater vest and friendlier attitude. Asked on the change in demeanor, al-Sahaf laughed, “Don’t let the act fool you. I get paid scale, and it punches my SAG card.”
Asked if he felt any pressure called in to close the post-loss election campaign at the last minute, he chuckled, “I’m a professional. When you’re a life-time loser like Trump, you recognize quality in losers, and you only hire the best losers. That’s me. When your dictatorship’s falling, you want some farm-league rookie on TV for your last days? Not like Guliani,” Sahaf chuckled. “What was that running down both sides of his face at the press conference? It looked like a map of Tigris and Euphrates running to the Gulf.” Tapping his own unnaturally dark hair, he winked, “These colors don’t run!”
When asked if he had any trouble fitting into the famously insular and contentious Trump inner circle, al-Sahaf waved his hand dismissively, “A cult of personality anchored on false masculinity and centered on a single man embodying cowardice, bullying, and sexual assault. Who takes credit for everything but is accountable for nothing while demanding absolute loyalty from everyone showing none in return, and threatening retribution on anyone who tells him no? I fit right in!”
“Wait, are you talking about Saddam Hussein?” the reporter asked.
Asked if he had any plans after what seemed likely to be a temporary assignment. “I’ve had some inquiries. Putin, Erdogan, Assad, Zuckerberg,” dropped a few names. “I’m not worried. I’m a glass Sahhaf-full kind of guy, get it?” Mohammed shot his finger-pistols at reporters. They appeared to be, for now, unjammed again.